Archive for April, 2009

Self Discovery

I’m on the road! You know, the road to self discovery.  So, remember the whole “25 things” trend? Well, I did not join that movement because the thought alone of providing 25 things unique to ONLY me gave me the “anxiety stummy ache” I know much too well (to be explained later).

Well today I’m deciding to find myself, by digging down deep to provide that list of 25 things. It’s taken months of preparation, so we’ll see what I conjure up.

1. I have anxiety. About everything. Social situations, old people, young people, church, school, work, money, friends, the whole freakin’ bit!

2. I need my space. I don’t really like when people tag around too much. I make it seem like I love it, but deep down….it drives me crazy. It happens suddenly too, one day everything will be peachy, the next…..stay away, stay far, far away.

3. I’m vain. I’m not going to lie. I like to look at myself in the mirror. Judge me.

4. I do not like potatoes, Sam I am. Baked, mashed, sweet, funeral, you name it….I just do not like them. UNLESS, of course, they are smothered in every unspeakably greasy topping. Cheese, sour cream, chili, bacon, but lets think about this… I still hate the potato, I just love what’s on top. Make sense?

5. Sometimes I avoid talking to people just because I know it could potentially be awkward. And then I feel that anxiety I’ve been tellin’ you about, because I feel so bad that I didn’t just get over my darn pride, and say hi! For heaven’s sake. I’m working on this one.

6. (I’m 1/5th of the way down!) Let’s get to some things that make me sound like a somewhat decent human being. I love nature and its many splendors. I’m one of those people that slows down to look at pretty things like the sunset, or the way the sun is perfectly shining on the fields of wheat–the cars honking behind me doesn’t bother me so much, just as long as I get to get a good look.

7. I love people. I could spend about 3 different ones on this, and I think I will. Number 7 will be solely about loving to watch people. My roommates make fun of me because I’m a “starer.” I stare at people. I don’t mean to! I just love watching how different people interact in different ways. I LOVE IT.  Which brings me to…

8. I love the airport. I’ve been lucky enough to travel quite a bit in my day (compared to the rest of my family), and have decided that I could spend hours there watching people. So interesting.

9. I love grandpas, and always have. Of course I love grandmas too! But grandpas (whether they’re mine or not) have a special little spot in my heart. They are precious. Simple as that.

10. I love kids. I think they’re hilarious. I really hope my kids are funny, because I want to laugh at them! I also, secretly, want my kids to say….damn….don’t tell anyone. I know, it’s bad. But seriously, it’s cute too. I won’t teach it to them, I promise. But if they so happen to learn in, from an outside (paid?) source…so be it.

11. I want to teach my kids that….damn….is a bad word. There’s this part of me that really wants to be a mom. Just so I can teach my little kiddos things. I’ve always wanted to teach. I came up to school thinking I was going to be an Elementary School teacher. My plans have changed, but I can’t wait ’til I get the chance to teach adorable little kids.

12. My weakness, food-wise, is bread. The unhealthy kind. Breadsticks, dipped in oil and vinegar, loaded with butter and jam….mmmmm….

13. I sort of thrive on awkward situations. We have a love-hate relationship. I like to, mostly unintentionally, create awkward moments. It’s probably not good. I won’t make very many friends that way. But it’s been working for me thus far, so I’ll tone it down a bit and probably continue on my awkward way…

14. I’m a clean freak, to a fault. My parents won’t believe this, it’s a recent adjustment. But I seriously can’t STAND when our apartment is messy. I get grouchy. Luckily I live with some of the cleanest girls in Logan. I thank my lucky stars.

15. I genuinely care about people. This fits in with a few of my previous ones like: loving people, and having anxiety. Sometimes I care too much about people. We’re talkin’ don’t eat, don’t sleep, kinda care. It’s bad. But I guess its much better than not caring at all!

16. I love walking out of my apartment at night and smelling the canyon wind. It’s beautiful. A slight smell of pine and campfire, the perfect touch of the outdoors.

17. I’m scared of birds. It’s legit. They freak me out.

18. I will not watch scary movies. I don’t care who you are, you can’t convince me to do it.

19. I don’t get along with know-it-alls. I don’t know if it’s because I think I know it all (?), or I think they’re prideful (?), or I’m just prideful (?). It’s up in the air at this point. But I don’t like it.

20. I do not let people make me think less of myself. When they do, they know it. I am not kind to those people. So…..maybe it is my pride (?)…..awesome.

21. I believe that everything is art. It doesn’t matter what it is: a pencil, carpet, the wall, the unfinished basement, it’s all art to me. Art is kind of what I live for.

22. I’ll do anything in my power to make someone laugh, even if I have to make a complete idiot out of myself–I’m not kidding either. Bumps and bruises have attested to this.

23. Music moves me to tears. It’s who I am, part of who I was taught to be, and I’m grateful for that.

24. I love my family. More than any list of 25 things can do justice. I love them all individually, for different reasons. And I know I was sent to them for a reason.

25. I love being Mormon. I love being Relief Society President. I love being busy. I love knowing everything and everyone in our ward. I love knowing that I can live with my family forever. I love knowing that I have a Heavenly Father, and that he sent His son for me.

25. You know, despite all my quirks and imperfections…I really like who I am, and I think I’ll stick with it

I….am Scott and Martha’s daughter, spitting image of my…..sister(?). That’s who I aaaaaam.

Take it or leave it.


Read Full Post »

good men.

They exist. They really do. And I have proof.

My grandpa.

“When a great man dies, for years the light he leaves behind him, lies on the paths of men.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My grandpa was a good man, to say the very least.

He loved his wife.

He loved his family.

He loved the simple things.

He spoke kindly.

He smiled.

He laughed.

He taught by example.

My dad, Brock, and I, went up to see him last weekend; it was hard. Really hard.

Despite struggling and dealing with incredible pain, every word that gramps uttered was glimmering with his beautiful sense of humor. He spoke kindly to nurses and doctors and never once forgot to thank them for their help. He told his lovely wife that he loved her, every chance he could. He was dignified. He was strong. And he was ready to go.

If there were ever anyone ready to be welcomed back into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father, it was Grandpa.

He will be greatly missed–his warm chuckle, friendly hellos, and big bear hugs.

I know though, that if I live the kind of life that he has lived, I will be able to join him again.

I love you, Grandpa!

“Well hello there, Heather! How ya doin’?”

“W’ll now, why would you do that, it’s so damn cold out there!”

True love.

Read Full Post »